I want to cry so bad right now... I want to hurt myself... Because those would be better than what I am feeling right now. Just one week ago I found out the guy I love is Gay... Do you think that is worse than him leaving for that year and a half, leaving me pondering and pineing over him? I don't know... I don't know anything anymore... I just want to get out of here. Even my parents are making things worse... Yelling at me. Pushing me to do something they'll regret and I know I will. I promised... Promised I'd never fall in love with another guy who isn't really in my life after he left... But is it falling in love, when you already were in love? I'm confuzzled... And scared. Scared of what I'm becoming again. I don't want to be emo again... I don't want to hurt myself. I don't want to be who I was... I promised  myself change. But I'm slowly turning back to who I was before... again.

It seems as though I am the evilist among them all, and the stupidest at that. Well, according to my parents I am. My mother got angry at me, taking my cell phone, tv, and asking my father to block my account again (DUMB VISTA), for getting 2 Fs. Of course I have an overall A in that class, but I missed two assignments. According to her, it isn't acceptable. According to her, I'll never get into a good college. A bunch of bloody bull. Plus, I don't think I'd get into a good college anyhow, let alone college. My mother is a bitch, and that's not a lie. She thinks sending me to the bloody Philipines will get me strait. MOR EBULLSHIT! It'll be even worse. Plus, that place makes my house look like heaven. At least with my family, they make it seem that way...

My father on the other hand, thinks that I am getting influenced by twilight books. LIke I'm turning into some devil for looving, or having a humngous crush, on a Vampire. He yelled at me, saying it's turning me more and more Santanic. Are you kidding me? You guys should have seen me in my Dark Ages. I might as well be sinking back...

Both of these seem as if the whole Porno Freak thing is repeating... Bleckers. I need help. Maybe a social worker could help me, get me out of here. I could call 911 and have myself sent off to a Muggle Orphanage just like Tom Riddle, then become a Vampiric Witch... Bleck. Only the rocks can help me now...

Yes, my dearest, sweet Alex, you have gotten this foresaken song in my head now. This is so unlike me. I am seriously dancing to this song all the time now. You and your blog has mad me listen to this song over and over again.... It kind of reminding me of the Tarzan and Jane song. I LOVE ROYBOY! Lmao.
 At the moment Maple Story is not working. Them and their stupid patches. FYI: I'm getting married, and Maple doesn't work. Isn't that just.....Lovely? And everybopdy if laughing their asses right about now because I am the only on not playing...

Is it even really, trueley possible to get over a guy you care so dearly for? I have no idea. Random thought that crashed in my mind as I read Eclipse over again. I know. I know. I analyze to much. But this is reall something worth knowing for me. If any of you could answer that, it would be much appriciated. I really need to get over him. And no, not my Ex. That idiot doesn't know left from right... xD. No idea what I saw in him. The only thing I regret is kissing him of all people. I mean my first kinda not real but real in my mind boyfriend. Although he no longer talks to me..I sill feel for him. It's been over a year now, and it really hurts. Care to help me?

Thursday, December 4, 2008, 9:44pm

My last Epiphiny before I truley become a teenager. I have realized that no matter how old I get It'll be the same. One lousy day won't change that. It's just another day passing. No one is coming back. No is coming to save me to heal me. Nothing like that is happening tomorrow. My life will be the same as always.My life just seems to repeats over and over again, except for the fact that I am closer and closer to death... 

Friday, December 4, 2008

Why does it seem like no matter what I do, I'm the bad guy here?  My mom was dragging me everywhere yesterday, when I just wanted to spend my birthday relaxing andreading at home... Then she gets angry when I don't want anything... *sigh* Life is going to be exactly the same. I knew it. *Trollies off to Hogwarts*

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Yeah. It is. Its not like I expected this fantasy to last long. And yet my heart is still burning. I mean, of course it would. It always does. Even for people I could hardly care about. Or should care about...  He didn't even have the fucking balls to call me. HE TEXTED ME! Maybe the reason I'm mad is the fact that I actually thought he was special enough to kiss. He isn't not in the leastest bit.  Now I'm mad at myself for being such a fucking IDIOT! Never EVER again am I EVER going to let someone in me. I thought I learned. I guess I havn't never again am I going to let someone in me so fast. He isn't worth crying over. It the fact I'm a moron that is. Ah wells. we love and we lose. And obviously I've been though both. And I'm okay with that. Ah wellz. I guess m a bit relived this happened the way it did. I mean for one. If I was talking to him, I wouldn't be able to bare his face. And two, I can understand it. Imma change. I swear I will. I ain't gonna give my heart to another guy just for the sake of it. Imma be cautious and picky. Haha. Okay. I'm a little bit better. Thanks for listening. Kinda.

It felt soft. That's basically all I could remember from our little exchange. Although, I felt a little empty afterwards. I just wish it lasted a little bi longer. I wanted to be enclosed by arms just for 3 more forever seconds. I wish my friends wern't calling me during that big event in my life. He is special. Right now he could be everything to me. I know our communication is a bit bad, but we can work on it. It's just that, we arn't friends anymore. We are more. And it's a bit frightening wondering if he'll want to leave you from the way you talk or act. It's just so hard to think around him. And to all you people who ask about why I see in him...Well my answer is simple. I see everything that could be important in him. I may not know his flaws just yet, which I'm sure I will soon find out, but so far I love everything about him. HE IS HOT TO ME! GET OVER IT! Haha. Remember my Tom Felton phase? Exactly. And so I think I love him. I want to hope it's love we have. And I will conclude with one last thing. I can't ever say I've "Never Been Kissed" anymore.

Quote of the day:"Everyday I wonder why he saw me. When a 1000 other girls saw him..."

I am so tired of today. I want to find another day. A day where I can finally be free from what holds me back from doing whatever I want to do. Although gloom and fog are my fave weather, this just kills it for me today. It's hot and gloomy. Not the cold that keeps me up at night with happiness. The cold only San Fransisco can provide. There is a certain warmth to that kind of cold.
All im feeling right now is the heated gloo. The angery saddness. I WANT IT TO STOP!

A hopeless, lovesick idiot. Well. Remeber that guy who told me he liked me while he was datingmy friend? Well. Me being the stupid moron, I  ended up dating him aftyer she broke his heart. And. I may as well be in love. If you can call it that. I can hardly sense any emotion for me inside him at all. So, I decided that I am going to kiss him. Halloween day. After school. Let see if he has anything inside him at all. So much for saving my virgin lips for someone special. Yet, he is special. In a way. I can hardly stop thinking about him during the spare time i have without him... Update later. BATHROOM TIME.

Back. Okay where was I? Oh. Well, if this is love, then I say this is so not worth it. I feel dead and emotionless with him. Yet, I am eager to find out if this dead feeling would grow. It worries me when he says he only liked me and his ex at this school. I've seen the students here, what the hell does he see in ME? OF ALL PEOPLE? If only  I knew.

Which may be both a good thing or a bad thing depending on your opinion. Could it be that life isn't all about boys? Imean they really arn't that great, Am I right? Why should I think about a species that only thinks of gross things? They have no brain or intellect most of the time anyway. And why should I wait for a guy who obviously doesn't like me? why should I wait for a guy who is actually just using me as a rebound? He couldn't say he loves me when really he loves his girfriend. Or whatever kids call love today. I hardly think he can know what love is. How could he have fallen in love with her jut after a look at her? How could he have loved me after a look at me? ESPECIALLY ME? Is he absolutley blind to my very obvious flaws?I think he was so perfect to me, that I could hardly see his own flaws. I feel so very stupid. From now I won't wait for something that is soooo not worth it. why will I put myself in the jelous state? It was my fault he was going out with HER in the first place. But then how would I know I liked him as much as I do now? I didn't even get to know him yet. I just thought he was very cute. Now that I do know him, It's hard not to love him.

I think me dating guys online was just a way to ignore the fact that I could get hurt. Because if I don't really know them, How could I? And yet I still did get hurt. I guess I set myself up for that. I fell for guys who seemed to be there, but never was. I put myself into a position that hurt me. My blindness and stupidity hurt me. And yet, I think I may have loved them. But only to a certain extent.

Gaw. But I don't think this is love. I don't thik I've really loved any guy. what is love? Love hurts. Love stinks. Love is the most impossible, ugly, painful, Most Beautiful thing ever on this earth. Man, I hardly know what that overrated term is anyway. I'M 12!!!! God. I am not giving up on this fantasy is though. It's the closest thing I can get to magic. And somewhere, somehow, I'll find it. I know I will. Or well. I hope I will.

Of COURSE he does this to me. Right when I'm in the middle of a major break through, he tells me he likes me. You know what?! Well, too bad. You lost your chance boy, and you ain't getting it back. I AM NOT GOING TO BE THE REBOUND GIRL!!!!

Of all this artificial love. Nobody can know me. Nobody could want me. They are only interested in those sluts that call themselves normal. I think I am the only one who isn't normal I guess. To them, however, I am not normal at all. Because I don't have that certain trait of sluttyness. xD. I mean some people arn't. They just get the guys cuz they were born with a certain beauty. I was born with nothing but the smarts. which basically gets me nowhere in guy zone. How could they say they love me, when they hardly know me. I'm tired of it. Lets go take a kill. I need a hitman, I swear. Or at least a death note. ALEX. omg. I think she is one of they few people that can understand what I'm going through. I miss you baby.

I'm really trying hard to get over him. I think I may have, just a few lingering feelings. I mean you should know how hard it is to get over someone. I'm turning to new guys to like, all of whom I have no chance of having, obviously. God, I need to stop looking. Maybe I should just let them come for me instead. But how do I know if they are not just using me. ISn't that what all guys I've dated have done? Asked me out to wait over for a better girl they can catch? I've always been the last resort. And I'm tired of it. I'm tired of getting hurt because I lose someone I've already fallen for. I think I'm going to quit boys fr now this year. Unless I really do know they like me, and I like them. Wouldn't that be better? Knowing we BOTH like eachother. Won't it Last longer? Hmmm? No Idea. I give up. I'm done. Talk to ya'll tomorrow. bibiz

Thanks to my very insightful cousin I've learned something very important. What's the point of boyfriends? I really think I'm just looking for someone to be my best friend and really understand me. Do i rally need to have them Be my Boyfriend? I really think I can only love him as a best friend for now. Do I really know him? Probably just a minor crush. Oh wells. add more to this ltr g2g to churcha

They are nothing but ungrateful bitches that get everything they want. Well. That's my sister. She is a spoiled brat that deserves to be put into mini juvi for like ever. GOD! My family has already stripped me own room. The least they could do is put an end to my sister's ranting aout how she get nothing. When really in the end I'm the one with nothing. I really wish. I could js disappear. Lord god help me do that.

GAH GAH GAH. Shit this crap of America. We "kids" don't belong in the republic. We are under dictatorship of people who are so stupid anyway. So much for fundmental right. We arn't born with it. We get it at 18. We can't even help change the world without an adult putting us down. We need a revolution people. We don't need to turn into all the stuffed shirts our parents are. I WILL not stand here and become an alien to my own kind. America! America!!? We all don't belong to AMERICA

I think I may be in love with a guy. Well, probably not love. However, I know I wouldn't have belived there would be a guy like him if I hadn't met him. He is so hot. So Sweet. So everything. I couldn't belive my luck when I met him. The only problem is that I'm in love with a guy who is in love with my friend. Is that even fair? She seems to hardly care. All she can think about is that he is hot. Is that what all girls look for? Cuteness. I may be on of them, but I know before I can ever go out with them I have to know them. I mean I'm not that shallow. Will I only ever be seen as a really great friend to guys? Why can't see past the friendship and ever like me for a change? Am I really that fugly? Good lord, help me. Turn me around and be beautiful. I need a fairy god mother. If I could, I would change everything about me. I'd rather be dumber than smart. I'd rather be cool than nerdy. I'd rather be somebody than a nobody. I want to be the girlfriend, not the best friend. This is how unfair life can be to the nerdy, weird chicks. GAH!